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Hilarious Jimmy Fallon Quotes July 16 – July 20

Written by Alexander Tucker   // 07/24/2012

Jimmy Fallon QuotablesHilarious Jimmy Fallon Quotes July 16 – July 20

Jimmy Fallon Quotables:

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Some election news. President Obama’s campaign has just released a new ad that actually features Beyoncé. Which explains why his approval rating just went up 80 percent among “all the single ladies.”

Speaking of the President, a new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under Obama. While the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.

Some big sports news. Over the weekend, Jason Kidd was arrested for drunk driving, just days after signing with the Knicks. Police say he had a blood alcohol level higher than point-02. Or as the Knicks call that, “not a bad first half.”

This is interesting. According to a new report, more Americans are now getting their news by watching YouTube. Which explains why Mitt Romney just chose “double rainbow” guy as his running mate.

More Jimmy Fallon Romney & Obama Jokes

Get this. Sarah Palin is saying that she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding. As in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, “You’re not invited.”

Some international news. I heard that North Korea is now allowing its citizens to buy DVDs. Yeah, they’re letting people buy all sorts of classic films – “Kim Jong-Un Rises,” “Fast Times At Kim Jong-Un High,” and “When Kim Jong-Un met Sally.”

Listen to this. Lawmakers in the Netherlands are considering a fine on meteorologists who predict the wrong weather. Or as they’re also known, “meteorologists.”

And finally, I read that disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner is thinking about getting back into politics. I’m not surprised – I mean, it was just a matter of time before Weiner would try to reinsert himself.Kiss Cam Obama on Jimmy Fallon Jokes

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you guys see this? During last night’s USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the Kiss Cam. It explains why everyone was like, “Quick – put him on the ‘Fix The Economy’ Cam!!!”

Speaking of the President. Yesterday in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer announced that he is endorsing Obama. But don’t get too excited – Obama still has to win over Judge Judy and Maury.

Hey, I heard that E! News is sending Kim Kardashian’s step-dad, Bruce Jenner, to cover the Olympics. Of course, there’s already a bit of controversy – after it was revealed that part of his face was actually made in China.

Teen Choice 2012 Winners List - Kardashians Win Big!

I don’t know what to make of this. A company in New Zealand is introducing a “Lord of the Rings”-themed plane to coincide with the release of “The Hobbit.” Yeah, it belongs to that new airline: “Definitely a Virgin” Airlines.

This is interesting. A new study found that women’s IQ’s are higher than men’s for the first time in 100 years. They would have found it earlier but the researchers were all men.Larry King Now Jimmy Fallon Jokes

Listen to this. Yesterday Larry King launched a new web show called “Larry King Now.” Actually, he didn’t mean to – he was just trying to Skype with his grandchildren. (“Jessica and Megan! You’re on the air!”)

And finally, in a new interview, Mark Zuckerberg said that getting married was tougher than Facebook’s stock going public. Although on both occasions, someone definitely got screwed.

Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! This is huge – last night, the Knicks decided to let go of Jeremy Lin, allowing him to join the Houston Rockets. As if that weren’t bad enough – the Knicks actually had Jason Kidd drive him to the airport.

Did you see this? In an interview with ESPN, President Obama said that 1992’s Dream Team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting, since a lot of people think 1992’s president was also better than this year’s.

Get this. It turns out that when Mitt Romney was in charge of the Salt Lake City Olympics, some of the uniforms were made in Burma. That’s ridiculous – you don’t make American uniforms in Burma. You make them in China.

It’s been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Yesterday, Ron Paul and Rick Perry called on Romney to release his tax returns. And if Ron Paul and Rick Perry tell you to do something – you don’t really have to do it.

Did you hear about this? There’s a new slow-moving storm in the Pacific called Hurricane Fabio. Yeah, meteorologists expect Hurricane Fabio to touch the coastline, caress it softly, then whisper, “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”

This is nice, today, American Airlines honored an 86-year-old mechanic who has been with the company for 70 years. Passengers were like, “Aww, that’s so sweet – but he didn’t fix this plane, did he?? Get him outta here…just give him a watch…”

This is cool. Pixar is planning to release a sequel to “Finding Nemo” in 2016. Yeah, it’s called, “You guys really need to keep a better eye on Nemo!”

Andrew Stanton Will Direct Finding Nemo 2

Check this out. A new study found that Facebook games can cause kids to develop gambling problems. That’s not good – you’d hate to see a kid’s gambling addiction get in the way of their Facebook addiction.

And finally, this is crazy – a man in Tennessee was arrested for operating a chainsaw while he was in the nude. Apparently the police got a 911 call from a very nervous couple – his testicles.

Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! You guys I’m so excited – today we were nominated for an Emmy award for Outstanding Variety Series! Now, how does this all work? Do I pick a running mate now? Cause I’m thinking Chris Christie.

The 2012 Primetime Emmy Nominations

Here’s some election news. A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. It makes sense, cuz if Romney wins, it’s definitely gonna be thanks to the one percent.

Speaking of Romney, a man in Maine who looks like Mitt Romney is hoping to start a second career as a Mitt Romney impersonator. If that doesn’t work, he’ll just stick to his current job: a mannequin at Kohl’s.

PBS 2012 Presidential Election Coverage

Hey, tonight on the show, we have Matt Lauer and Mike Tyson! Yeah, it’s gonna be an exciting show – especially when they find out they’re boxing each other.

Here’s a crazy story. This week, officials in Connecticut found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. Or as that’s also known, “Weirdest Real World ever.”

That’s right, they found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. Yeah, it was really confusing – cuz only the goats were on the lease.

This is nice. For the second year in a row, New York City students have improved their reading scores. Unfortunately, now they can read how low their math scores are.

And finally, researchers in Austria have discovered the world’s oldest bra, which is believed to be 600 years old. Or as Larry King put it, “Ah, prom night.”

Welcome to Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. Hey, listen to this. I read that President Obama’s old apartment here in New York City is on the market again. Yeah, today it was shown to someone who may soon be looking for a new home: President Obama.

Some more campaign news. The country’s largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, “Wow, that’s great! What is a bus?”

Hey, I saw that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is no longer one of the 40 richest people in the world. It’s not good. When he goes to check his balance, the ATM says, “It’s complicated.”London 2012 Olympics Jimmy Fallon Jokes

Actually, speaking of ATMs, officials in London are warning tourists to bring extra cash with them to the Olympics, because the ATMs could run out. In response, pick pockets were like, “Thanks for the heads up!”

This is interesting. Scientists have discovered a new planet that is smaller and hotter than Earth. Of course, later they tried to console Earth by telling her she has a great personality.

Check this out. A company in China unveiled a 30-foot-long bottle of wine that was created for a wine expo. Or as Kathy Lee and Hoda put it, “Ni hao.”

Get this. A company in Minnesota is installing a pregnancy test dispenser inside a bar. Here’s how it works: if you buy a pregnancy test inside a bar – you’re pregnant.

And finally, in an interview with CNN this week, Michael Vick said he wants to get a new dog. When they heard that, dogs were like, “Meow?”

 


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