Hilarious Jimmy Fallon Quotes July 23 – July 27
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. You guys, the Olympics are just four days away! And get this – Mitt Romney will travel to London, where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’ll be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like, “Got a bank account there, got one there…got two bank accounts there!”
Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised ten million dollars in California over the last two days. Yeah, one million was from a fundraiser, while nine million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
That’s right, tonight on the show we have Matthew McConaughey and R. Kelly! Yeah, why do I get the feeling I’m going to be the only guy wearing a shirt?
Yeah, Alex Trebek, celebrated his 72nd birthday yesterday! It was weird – when his family got him a nice tie, he was like, “Oooh, I’m sorry. I was looking for iPad. iPad…”
Hey, Happy Birthday to Alex Trebek, who turned 72 years old yesterday! Yeah, 72 – which explains tonight’s categories: “Times I Left My Right Blinker On,” “Famous Sanka Flavors,” and “Do You Feel a Draft in Here?”
Check this out. It’s rumored that Kim Kardashian’s mother, Kris Jenner, wants to host her own talk show. While Kim’s step-dad, Bruce Jenner, just wants to blink.
That’s right, Kim Kardashian’s mother may be getting her own talk show. Of course, most viewers would rather she have a “don’t talk” show.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you see this? Yesterday, the White House announced that President Obama will visit Israel during his second term in office. Of course when they heard the second term part, Israel was like, “We’ll put you down as a ‘Maybe’…”
And finally, today is National Hot Dog day – even though this week is National Don’t Eat Meat Week. Or as hot dog makers put it, “Yeah, so what’s the problem??”
Hey, I read that the price of oil fell by more than three percent yesterday. When asked how much this will lower the price of gas, oil companies were like, “Hahaha, good one.” (That’s a classic!)
Some election news. There’s talk that Mitt Romney’s campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yeah, he’s paying for people to like him, or as that’s also called, “politics.”
Hey, I want to say happy birthday to Jennifer Lopez, who turned 43 today! Yeah, J.Lo’s party was a little weird – after being there only a little while, she left and had to be replaced with Mariah Carey.
This isn’t good. A new study found that American students rank 25th in the world in math. Or as Americans put it, “We’re number one!”
Check this out. Researchers in the UK say they have created a new pill that could add an extra 11 years to people’s lives. Or as the makers of Depends put it, “Ka-ching!”
Some health news. Doctors say that wearing flip flops can lead to severe foot problems. Not only that – they say wearing flip-flops with socks can lead to severe friend problems. (You can either wear the socks, or the fanny-pack.)
And finally – today is National Tequila Day! Which makes tomorrow National “Un-tag Yourself From Last Night’s Facebook Photos” Day!
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, check this out. On Friday, Big Ben will chime non-stop for three minutes to mark the start of the London Olympics. That’s right, three straight minutes of noise – which explains why today, Big Ben was named a new co-host on “The View.”
Man, this isn’t good. Athletes are complaining that the air-conditioning in Olympic Village is broken. Or as the athletes from Kenya put it, “Yeah, this is SOOO rough. How will we EVER survive the heat?”
And did you see this? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in London today before the start of the Olympics. Yep, they said it was great to see all the countries of the world in one place – and that was just after they took a family photo.
Some big international news. It was just announced that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Of course it was embarrassing on their wedding night, when he was unable to launch any missiles.
Here’s some campaign news. During a speech this week, President Obama said that thanks to him, people in the rest of the world have a new attitude toward America. It’s true – people used to hate us but thanks to him, now they just feel sorry for us.
Speaking of the election, a new poll found that 90 percent of voters think they know where the candidates stand on the important issues. When Romney heard that he was like, “Great! Now tell me where I stand on the important issues.”
Listen to this. A recent survey found that women are more satisfied with life than men. Of course, most of them are just faking it so they don’t hurt life’s feelings.
And finally, new research found that using social networking sites like Facebook can increase your chances of finding a job. Which will really come in handy after you get fired from your current job for using Facebook.
Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some election news. I read that one of the presidential debates this fall will have a town hall format, where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: “Are you the only two choices?”
That’s right, at the second presidential debate, citizens will get to ask questions. Or as Ron Paul put it, “Alright – I finally get to talk in a debate!!”
Some more political news. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then, he said he’ll just think about pancakes.
Some sports news. Alex Rodriguez could be on the disabled list for a month after he broke his left hand on Tuesday night. That’s right, a month where A-Rod can’t hit – or as it’s usually known, “the playoffs.”
Check this out. Germany has opened a new hotline that lets people call in and yell curse words at people on the other end. We have something similar in America – it’s called “Time Warner Customer Service.”
And finally, some Olympics news – I read that the youngest athlete on Team USA is a swimmer who’s 15 years old. While the youngest athlete on Team China is a gymnast who should be delivered any minute now.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! It’s gonna be a fun show. You guys, the Olympics are finally here! But did you guys hear about this? Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he’s made while he’s in London. He’s screwing up left and right. In response, Romney said he has nothing but respect for the people of England – especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.
I read that officials at the London Olympics will be conducting five thousand tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, “a Monday.”
Hey, next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Yeah, Obama already got one really nice gift – Mitt Romney’s trip to London.
Some tech news. Yesterday, Google unveiled a high speed Internet service called “Google Fiber.” Incidentally, Google “fiber” is the first thing my grandpa did when we taught him how to use the computer.
And finally, a new study found that women feel their sexiest at age 28. Or at glass of wine number 3.
Jimmy Fallon’s SNL Audition:
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