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Jimmy Fallon Jokes September 10 – September 14

Written by Alexander Tucker   // 09/17/2012


Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won’t reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn’t believe it – they were like, “At least do the honorable thing and lie!”

More election news. A new poll shows that President Obama has expanded his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course it didn’t help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention.

I read that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. Wait, Ahmadinejad giving a speech on Yom Kippur? That’s like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day.

This is cool. NASA revealed that the Mars rover Curiosity just took a picture of itself. Well, actually it took about ten pictures of itself before it found one where it didn’t look fat.

This Weeks Guests on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon 9/17-9/21

Did you hear about this? It’s rumored that a sex tape is floating around, featuring Shakira and her boyfriend. Yeah, it was reported by a very reliable source: her hips. (They don’t lie!The Voice Announces New Coaches Shakira and Usher

Some more celebrity news. A man in California is accusing Miley Cyrus of punching him in the face at a nightclub over the weekend. Of course police had a lot of questions for the guy, like “Why would you want the world to know you got beat up by Miley Cyrus?”

This is nice. Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey has signed a deal to write three children’s books. Yeah, he plans to do it during his downtime – you know, the playoffs.

That’s right, a children’s book by a baseball player – which explains its title: “Everyone Dopes.”

And finally, A couple in Michigan was arrested after they were caught having sex behind a hot dog stand. And I know what you’re thinking – I hope they used a condiment.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, “Wow, you too?!”

Actually, members of Mitt Romney’s own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney was like, “Maybe.”

Some more campaign news. A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. Yeah, you can tell Romney’s depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation.

Get this. A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as working out for 90 minutes. That doesn’t sound like a study – it sounds like something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes.

This is crazy. A man in South Carolina claims that his dog walked five hundred miles to his house, after he was left in Virginia. In response, his dog was like, “Don’t flatter yourself – I’m just here to get my stuff.”

Check this out. A company in Sweden is selling a purse that can hold a box of wine. Or as Kathie Lee calls that, “a purse.”

And finally, three men in Thailand were arrested for trying to smuggle monkeys in their underwear onto a plane. Or as one of the men put it, “Yes, that is a banana in my pocket.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Some surprising numbers. A new survey found that 34 percent of Americans do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. Yeah, there’s even a name for those people: “Productive.”

I’m so excited! We have Amy Adams, David Gregory, Florence and the Machine, and the world’s best golfer, Rory McIlroy, on the show tonight! That’s right, Rory McIlroy – the only guy whose name sounds exactly the same when you say it drunk. (DRUNK) “Rorryy McIlroy”

Some business news. The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. Yeah, the company isn’t sure, but they think he might have a Coke problem.

I read about a new ATM that lets customers video-conference with bank tellers if they need help. Yeah, cuz if you can’t figure out an ATM by the year 2012, I’m sure video-conferencing will be a piece of cake.

Tonight Britney Spears made her debut as a judge on “The X Factor” with Simon Cowell. Man, can’t wait to see all those tight outfits and low cut tops. And also whatever Britney Spears is wearing.

A new survey found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. Or in other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.

Some science news. A 17-year-old girl from New Jersey has invented a portable heart monitor that can work with an iPhone. Big deal – when I was 17, (COCKY) I figured out a way to hold my calculator upside down so it said “boobs.”

Check this out. This week, an 81-year-old woman modeled in two shows for New York Fashion Week. Of course it got awkward when someone was like, “Oooh, I love your leather pants,” and she was like, “Those are my legs.”

And finally, a man in Nevada was arrested for watching porn on a Southwest Airlines flight. Flight attendants were suspicious when he put up his tray table, without using his hands.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about today. 7-Eleven is hoping to predict this year’s election by asking customers to buy blue coffee cups if they support Obama, and red cups if they support Romney. Both of which will contain coffee that was brewed during the Reagan administration.

I read that Mitt Romney asked to see ten years worth of Paul Ryan’s tax returns before announcing him as a running mate. Yep, and as soon as Ryan refused, Romney was like, “I found my man!”

Some more campaign news. Yesterday in Nevada, President Obama said he’ll win the election if the turnout is anything like it was in 2008. While voters said he’d win if he were anything like he was in 2008.

This isn’t good. A lot of people are complaining that the new iPhone 5 is taller than the last model, which means they have to buy a new case. In response, Apple issued an official statement saying, “Exactly.”

Here’s a crazy story. This week, a man in Missouri reeled in a live grenade when he went fishing. Or as one fish put it, “That’s for my brother.”

And finally, in a new interview, Justin Bieber’s mom said she almost named her son “Jesse.” Though now, she wishes she’d gone with a more appropriate name: “Ka-Ching!”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. It was just announced that President Obama and Paul Ryan will speak at the AARP’s annual meeting next week. Yeah, they’re expected to face some tough questions, such as, “Huh?”

Did you see this? Mitt Romney told Kelly Ripa that he tries to wear “as little as possible” when he goes to bed. Which explains why Romney said he was eager to become the country’s first Commando-in-Chief. Mitt Romney Meet The Press Interview Transcript

Speaking of Romney. A new poll found that President Obama has 28-point lead over Mitt Romney in New York. Yeah, you can tell Romney’s trying to narrow that gap – today he was like, “I can’t wait to check out the Center Park before riding the underground transportation system! Forget-about-it!”

I don’t know what to make of this. A farmer in New York has grown a 1,200-pound pumpkin that he takes care of for six hours a day. Yeah, even the pumpkin is like, “Anyone else wanna hang out with this guy?”

Check this out. This fall, a restaurant at Disney’s Magic Kingdom will serve beer and wine for the first time ever. Which explains why Tomorrowland will just be serving a bottle of Gatorade and cold pizza.

And finally, I want to say Happy Birthday to Prince Harry, who will turn 28 years old tomorrow! And if you wanna get him a gift – you can’t go wrong with pants.


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