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Jimmy Fallon Quotables August 13 – August 17

Written by Alexander Tucker   // 08/22/2012

Jimmy Fallon Quotes and Jokes August 13 - August 17 2012Jimmy Fallon Quotables August 13 – August 17

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m so excited – we have basketball gold medalists Kevin Durant and James Harden on the show tonight! I plan on asking them a lot of questions: How did it feel to win the gold? What was it like being on the podium? Will you please come play for the Knicks?

 

Man, it was a great Olympics – Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow – especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” t-shirts. (Insult to injury.)

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I actually just got back from the Olympics in London. It was annoying though – I had to have my buddy cover my eyes at the events, so I didn’t see any spoilers for when they aired that night.

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This was cool. Last night, the Spice Girls and The Who performed at the closing ceremony of the London Olympics. Which makes sense cuz when kids heard the Spice Girls would be there, they were like, “The WHO?”

 

Here’s some big election news. Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with MORE oatmeal.

 

Yeah, during the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are “America’s Comeback Team.” You know, as in, “come back in four years and try again.”

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And finally, Facebook just launched a new feature that lets users tell people they are expecting a baby. Yeah, I guess it’s just another way of letting people know you got poked.

 

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some campaign news. Yesterday, Mitt Romney’s vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama was like, “Uhh, didn’t you just get a new job??”

 

Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney’s running mate. Which isn’t too bad considering most Americans don’t approve of Paul Ryan’s running mate.

 

Listen to this. The Pentagon is now warning staff not to watch porn on their government computers. In even bigger news – the Pentagon is just now warning staff not to watch porn on their government computers.

 

This isn’t good. New reports say that North Korea could test a nuclear missile within two weeks. North Korea says this launch will go better than its last one, cuz they got, like, twice as much Diet Coke and Mentos.

 

This is interesting. New research found that 25 percent of Americans don’t know their own cell phone number. While the rest thought of a different excuse to get out of dating that researcher.

 

And finally – last week, a man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compactor. It raises a lot of questions. And the answer to all of them is, tequila.

 

Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Hey, this is interesting. The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer, and President Obama drinks it when he goes out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.

 

Speaking of Obama, his campaign also released a new ad featuring celebrity DJs called “DJs for Obama.” Yeah, cuz when voters are trying to decide their position on the fiscal budget, health care, and the war in Afghanistan, their first thought is, “What does Pauly D think??”

 

Some celebrity news. I heard the Kardashians are launching their own line of eyeglasses. That’s good. Maybe now people will be able to see what it is the Kardashians actually do.

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Did you hear about this? Yesterday, a contestant at the National Scrabble Championship was eliminated for cheating. Yeah, cheating at Scrabble. Or as most people call that, a game of “Words with Friends.”

 

Check this out. The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It’s a great plan, you know, until everyone looks up and sees the blimps.

 

This is crazy, Police in Illinois say someone stole a truck with 24 thousand dollars worth of Frosted Flakes in it. When the cops found the guy, they were like, “You have the rrrrrright to remain silent!”

 

And finally, I read about a man who lost his memory and used pictures on Facebook to piece his life back together. Or as most people call that, “Sunday morning.”

 

Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s some big political news. This week, Senator John McCain said it would be wise for President Obama to drop Joe Biden from the ticket. Wait, John McCain’s giving advice about choosing a running mate? That’s like Donald Trump giving advice about choosing a barber.

 

Some more campaign news. The band Silversun Pickups is asking Mitt Romney to stop using their song “Panic Switch” while campaigning. Or as Romney put it, “Well, I guess it’s back to ‘Call Me, Maybe’!”

 

Get this, you guys. In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, “Seriously?? I already live in a garbage can – how much worse can my life get??”

 

That’s right, Mitt Romney wants to cut funding for PBS. Which explains why today, “Sesame Street” was brought to you by the letters “O and “Bama.”

 

This is interesting. Listen to his. A new study found that vegetarian cavemen died earlier than cavemen who ate meat. Not from starvation – they were just murdered after they kept talking about why they became vegetarians. (“Me seen video of slaughterhouse. You know how make McNugget?”)

 

Some TV news, you guys. It’s rumored that CNN will try to improve its ratings by focusing on Here Comes Honey Boo Booreality shows. Although Anderson Cooper was pretty upset when he heard they’re changing “360” to “Here Comes Honey Coop Coop.”

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And finally, a new study found that RadioShack is one of the worst companies in the U.S. to work for. In response, Walmart was like, “ohh it is ON!”

 

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m so excited – we have Joe Jonas and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi on the show tonight! I know what you’re thinking – is there any place those two DON’T go together?

 

This is big, you guys. Yesterday, President Obama said that he is sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, even though Biden made a series of major gaffes this week. In response, Joe Biden was like, this is (BEEP)ing great!

 

Some more election news. Yesterday, Mitt Romney brought a dry-erase board to a speech so that he could explain his plan for Medicare. It was pretty simple. All he did was write the word “Medicare,” and then he erased it.

 

Get this. A new study found that about one percent of the U.S. population is allergic to gluten, while the other 99% is sick of having to hear about it.

 

This is cool. NASA has discovered a new galaxy that creates two new stars every day. Yeah, I’m not sure what the galaxy’s name is, but I think we can rule out “American Idol.”

 

I read that the Cheesecake Factory is planning to open its first location in the Middle East. Yeah, it’ll be weird when customers are reading the menu and they’re like, “And we thought the Koran was long — I’m on page 20 and we’re still on lettuce wraps!”

 

And finally, I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Bill Clinton, who will turn 66 years old this weekend! Yeah, Bill and Hillary did their best to rearrange their schedules, but it turns out they’ll have to spend it together.

 

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