Quotables From Late Night With Jimmy Fallon September 4 – 7
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention – in fact I heard at this one, they’re gonna have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch. 2012 Presidential Debate Lineup
This isn’t good. There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. Yeah, when asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, “Eh, it’s ok.”
Hey, I want to say Happy Birthday to Beyoncé, who turned 31 years old today! Yeah, her birthday cake was red velvet – which, incidentally, is also what she plans to name her next child. (“Blue Ivy you play with Red Velvet. Yellow Pound Cake, leave Angel Food Cake alone. You put Pineapple Upside-Down cake right-side up!”)
Check this out. There were no injuries last week when a fire broke out at the Yankee Candle Factory in Massachusetts. It was weird – instead of calling for backup, the firemen called for a bubble bath and some Enya CDs.
Some celebrity news. Last week, Simon Cowell rescued nine people after their boat sank off the coast of France. But not before taking a few minutes to criticize each person’s swimming abilities. (SIMON) “You call that a doggy paddle? You’re not worthy of being eaten by a shark.”
This is crazy. Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over two thousand pounds. Yeah, and if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait ‘til I interview Chris Christie.
And finally, strip club in Canada is now offering help with college tuition for new employees. Yeah, it’ll be easy to spot those students at graduation, cuz they’ll be the ones moving one tassel to the other side, then two other tassels to the other side.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some political news. First Lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed – even Fox News called it “not the worst.”
Speaking of the DNC, earlier in the night, actor Kal Penn told viewers to use the Twitter hashtag “sexyface” when talking about his speech. Which got weird when Bill Clinton was like, “Well, there goes the first line of my speech.”
Actually, President Obama’s speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena, due to weather concerns. You can tell it’s Time Warner, cuz Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4.
Get this. Starbucks is working on a new plan to recycle old coffee grounds and turn them into laundry detergent. Which explains why the Snuggle Bear hasn’t slept in two straight weeks.
Check this out. A farmer in Germany accidentally planted a crop of marijuana, after thinking he was growing sunflowers. Yeah, the farmer said he was really surprised – you know, that the cops actually bought that story.
Some big sports news. The Yankees have blown a ten-game lead in the standings, and are now tied for first place. You can tell they’re depressed – today, five of their players tested positive for Häagen-Dazs.
And finally, NASA is holding a contest that lets high school students choose a name for an asteroid. Though it’ll be weird when there’s a breaking news report like, “This just in – the asteroid “Harry Butts” is headed towards Earth.”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about today. Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night, and gave the audience several key numbers on the economy. Which is weird, since usually Clinton is the one trying to get numbers from people.
Clinton also described President Obama as cool on the outside, but burning for America on the inside. Then he introduced his new speechwriter: Danielle Steel.
This isn’t good. Disney just had to lay off more than 50 of its high-level employees. Of course it got even worse, when Disney tried to sell them a 30-dollar picture of their reaction to the news. (You can frame it!)
Here’s a crazy story. This week in Australia, a mother of twelve children gave birth to quadruplets. Marking the first time someone’s simultaneously appeared on “Pregnant in Heels” and “Hoarders.”
Hey, today is National Read a Book Day! Or as Americans call it, “Nah.”
And finally, a woman in Illinois recently returned an overdue library book that her mother checked out in 1934. Yeah, the book is so old, back then it was still “Fifty Shades of Blonde.”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about today. Last night, One Direction beat Justin Bieber to win best pop video at the VMA’s. Justin was like, “Congrats on the win, guys!” While One Direction was like, “Thanks, Grandpa!”
Actually, One Direction ended up winning three VMA’s. Yeah, it’s a big deal for them – I mean, that’s almost one VMA per chest hair.
Check this out you guys. In a new interview, Octomom Nadya Suleman said she doesn’t know who Mitt Romney is. Then it got awkward when she was like,“He’s not one of my kids, is he??”
I just read that The Situation is suing a nightclub in Vegas for failing to pay him 60 thousand dollars for two appearances. Yeah, the case is being handled by his lawyer – The Litigation.
Listen to this. A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for planting marijuana on the property of a church. Yeah, people could tell something was up, cuz instead of communion wafers, the priest was just handing out Barbeque Pringles.
It was wild – after confession, the priest had people do four Hail Marys and five Willie Nelsons.
And finally, TLC is coming out with a new reality show about a group of Amish people who move to New York City. Yeah, it’s called “Here Comes Honey Jebediah Jebediah.”
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