The Best Of Jimmy Fallon’s Jokes August 20 – August 24
This is nice. Supermodel Gisele Bundchen just revealed that she and Tom Brady are expecting their second child. They haven’t confirmed if it’s a boy or a girl, but they’re a 100% certain it’s better than other babies.
Have you guys seen this? Ragu has a new commercial that shows a boy walking in on his parents in bed, and then they fix him spaghetti to make it up to him. That’s right, a Ragu commercial where a boy walks in on his parents in bed, or as most people put it, “Rag-ewwww.” (View the Commercial at end of this article!)
Yeah, the commercial still isn’t half as weird as the one where a boy walks in on his mom with Chef Boyardee.
I want to wish Happy Birthday to Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant, who turns 64 years old today! Which explains his new song: “Escalator to Heaven.”
Get this. Last week, two UPS employees were arrested with 40 pounds of marijuana in their delivery truck. Which explains their new slogan: “What can Brownies do for you?”
And finally, a male stripper in Scotland is facing jail time for taking off too much clothing at a bachelorette party. It was weird – when a cop came to arrest him, the ladies were like, “Sweet! ANOTHER stripper!”
Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Some major TV news. There’s talk that Nicki Minaj will join Mariah Carey on the next season of “American Idol.” Or as Randy Jackson put it, “Yeah, not the Minaj I was hoping for.”
Here’s big sports story. At the age of 50, Roger Clemens has signed on to play a minor league team in Texas. You can tell he’s getting up there – today, he tested positive for Activia.
Hey, you guys. Today is National Senior Citizen’s Day! So that’s why the clubs were so packed tonight.
Yeah, it’s National Senior Citizen’s Day! Not to be confused with National Senior Citizen’s Week – the Republican Convention in Florida.
Actually, I just read that a hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. Yeah, it could really hurt Republicans – which explains its name, “Hurricane Todd Akin.”
Did you hear about this? A man running for mayor in New Jersey has been arrested for selling marijuana. Yeah, people knew something was up, cuz he promised to lower taxes on the middle class, on the poor, and on bags of Funyons.
Listen to this. Mattel just unveiled a new Barbie that is being referred to as the Drag Queen Barbie. Confused child sold separately.
That’s right, a gender-ambiguous Barbie doll – or as that’s also known, “Ken.”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some big TV news. It’s being reported that former New York Giant Michael Strahan will replace Regis Philbin as Kelly Ripa’s permanent co-host. Of course it gets kind of weird, when you hear that Regis was actually traded to the Giants.
Oh man, everyone’s talking about this. Several pictures were leaked online that show a naked Prince Harry playing a game of strip billiards. Or as that’s also known, “2 balls, no pockets.”
Here’s an election update. It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. Though it’s gonna be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why.
Hey, today is National Punctuation Day! Or as Christopher Walken calls it, “National…what?…day…”
This is interesting. More magazines are actually photo-shopping their models to make them look heavier. When models heard that they were like, “Or you could just let us eat.”
Some business news. After 24 years, the editors of Nintendo Power magazine are shutting it down. Well, they didn’t actually shut it down – they’re just gonna hit pause, and come back to it after their parents go to bed.
I just read that the director of the Peace Corps announced that he is stepping down. Or as he put it, “Peace, Peace.”
Get this. A school district in California is being sued for teaching students inaccurate sex ed. Which explains that one lesson, where the teacher put a condom on an apple.
And finally, in a new interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have the time to read “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Then it got weird when she added, “Again.”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some political news. CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, “This is outta my league, bro.” (I can’t help you.)
Speaking of the campaign, I read that President Obama’s supporters can now text the word “GIVE” to donate up to fifty dollars to his campaign. Though it’s frustrating when autocorrect keeps changing it to, “Fix the economy.”
I read that the Oxford English Dictionary has added the word “ridic” to its online edition. When English teachers heard that, they were like, “That’s redonk.”
Check this out. A new report found that full-frontal nudity on prime time TV has increased six thousand percent over the last year. Especially on that one sitcom, “The Fresh Prince Harry.”
Listen to this. New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, “Whoa – is it noon already?”
This is nice. A man in Pennsylvania celebrated his 80th birthday by riding a rollercoaster 80 times. Of course, no one had the heart to tell him he was actually just sitting in one of those Brookstone massage chairs. “I wanna go again!” “Okay, grandpa…”
Get this. A prison in France says that its inmates were using the communal garden to grow marijuana. Yeah, officials knew something was up when one inmate broke out of jail just cuz he heard the McRib was back at McDonald’s.
And finally, A man in California only suffered minor injuries after he became trapped inside a manhole for 24 hours. Yeah, a full day spent inside a manhole – or as proctologists call that, “Tuesday.”Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Here’s an election update. Today, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan attended a campaign rally at an apple orchard in Michigan. Of course there was one awkward moment, when they told the Granny Smiths they were cutting their Medicare.
Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Here’s an election update. Today, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan attended a campaign rally at an apple orchard in Michigan. Of course there was one awkward moment, when they told the Granny Smiths they were cutting their Medicare.
Some more political news. It’s rumored that Joe Biden is seriously considering running for president in 2016. Yeah, “seriously” – which is interesting, cuz voters’ reaction to that was, “Seriously??”
Get this. A new study suggests that cheating on your spouse is actually good for your marriage. On the other hand, no it isn’t.
Listen to this. As part of a new security measure, Nike will no longer open stores at midnight the day a new shoe is released. Yeah, they say it’ll be much safer for everyone to get trampled to death in the morning.
Here’s a crazy story. This week, couple in Texas got engaged, just hours after they were arrested for robbery. Yeah, you can tell they’re perfect for each other – they even finish each other’s prison sentences.
I just read that over 75 percent of Americans have already done their back-to-school shopping. Which means 25 percent of kids are getting stuck with a William Hung Trapper Keeper.
Some tech news. After three years of controversy, Facebook will finally get rid of photos that users delete. So that means everyone can get extra wasted this weekend.
And finally, speaking of Facebook, a new survey found that almost half of all Facebook users are over 40. Which explains why every time you try to poke someone, you get a message that says, “Eh, not tonight.”
Ragu (Rag-ewwwww) Commercial:
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