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True Blood: The Sookie Makeover

Written by   // 07/05/2012

True BloodTrue Blood: The Sookie Makeover

“Sookie Stackhouse. In the first 4 seasons she was likeable, endearing, and attractive. In season 5, she is just plain annoying. Her whiny voice, messy hair, and too-tight Merlott’s shirt drive me to squirm”

We are now almost halfway through Season 5 of True Blood, which has now been renewed for a 6th season. When I first started watching True Blood, it was a barely recognized niche show portrayed in true HBO fashion (sex, blood, sex). Other than the obvious (sex and blood) there were a few things that caught my attention and had me looking forward to the next episode:

 

1) The catchy opening song (Bad Things by Jace Everett);

2) Bill Compton’s mysterious personality (now he simply disgusts me, but this is for another discussion); and

3) Sookie’s infectious personality, as innocent as the gap between Anna Paquin’s two front teeth.

Obviously, add Eric Northman to the list of “likes” in Season 2 when he loses his long blonde locks, emphasizing his masculinity and causing every straight guy to form a man-crush. And don’t forget about Alcide, played by Joe Manganiello who plays a humorous but sultry role in the just-released box-office hit Magic Mike (yummm).

HBO Renews True Blood For Sixth Season

But, let’s talk about point number three; Sookie Stackhouse. In the first 4 seasons she was likeable, endearing, and attractive. In season 5, she isTrue Blood just plain annoying. Her whiny voice, messy hair, and too-tight Merlott’s shirt drive me to squirm in what should be the comfort of my own home. And what kind of pathetic 20-something-year-old would get drunk alone, listening to the pina colada song (Escape by Rupert Holmes), drinking peach schnapps and whatever else she was concocting. The writers may as well have had her sitting in pyjamas, eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, while listening to the Eagles and reminiscing over how big of a &%*# up she is, while further proving that Anna Paquin can’t act worth shit.

So let’s pretend that we have control over the writing of the remainder of Season 5 and beyond. Bearing in mind that Sookie’s character still needs to somewhat resemble the character written in the Southern Vampire Mysteries book series, the following is what I propose to change, in order to protect the gag-reflexes of the viewers:

Portray Sookie with an intellect higher than a fifth grader. For a telepathic, she really hasn’t gained intellectual knowledge of any sort. Shouldn’t she be skilled in socioeconomics?

True BloodGet a new wardrobe. The fact is that her clothing is so unnoticeable, one can’t even remember what she’s worn at all this season. With all the clothes she’s had destroyed from blood contamination, her wardrobe must be dwindling. This must be why we no longer see her in cute summer dresses, but in grubby jeans and t-shirts. Maybe since Eric and Bill are out of the picture (for now) she’s given up on herself? Maybe she really does just want to sit down with that tub of Ben & Jerry’s and give up on the vampire ridden world? Regardless, if you don’t have a naturally curvaceous figure, stop dressing like a boy.

The tooth gap. This is debateable. I quite like it, and find it sexy in a youthful-you-need-a-spanking sort of way. However, I am probably not the best person to give opinions on gaps, as I had mine fixed years ago through the torture of braces and another contraption called a “bionator”. It looked just as bad as it sounds. But, as we are getting into our 6th season soon, Sookie is getting older and may want to consider a more glamorous look. Don’t forget, she will continue to age while her vampire friends remain their same fine-looking selves.

Sookie and Pam Season 5 Scoop

And now, time to be cruel. For a show that centers on sex and the sexual nature of vampires, an “A cup” doesn’t quite fit the bill. Perhaps a boob job should be in the works for Sookie. She did say she likes pina coladas…what a lush.

And finally Sookie, one piece of advice: brush your dreadful, stringy hair. Or buy clip-in hair extensions. Okay, that’s two pieces of advice.

The only thing you’ve got going for you now is that you had a steamy make-out session with Alcide. Don’t mess it up, okay?

Fairies and rainbows,

Xo

Jessica S.

@jessicaschmiddy

Snoop Dogg Tribute Song to True Blood’s Sookie:


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